Friday, September 27, 2013

Random Ideas



Rage Against The Machine Alarm Clock - For the low, low price of $19.99 you can be gently coaxed from your slumber by Zach de la Rocha reminding you that oversleeping (as well as political apathy) is to be avoided at all costs. Pressing the snooze button more than three times in a one hour period will trigger rare live performance of “Sleep Now in the Fire”. The first 100 orders will come with Che Guevara duvet covers. Audio Clip.

Medical Entitlement Liaisons – Do you find yourself yearning for the plethora of “no cost to you” medical supplies advertised on television only to find yourself sidetracked by more pressing matters? Now you can hire a consultant to represent you and insure you get the mail-order medical apparatuses you deserve. Why spend hours on the phone answering invasive questions like “are you actually disabled” or “why does your German Shepard need a glucometer“  when you can pay a one-time retainer fee and within a few weeks find your front porch inundated by power-chairs and discreet catheters?

The Junk-Filter– This handy smartphone app will automatically screen for attempts to send illicit photos of male reproductive organs via text message. If such a situation arises, the program will quietly substitute a photo of a kitten snuggling a bunny and overwrite sexually-suggestive dialogue with motivational quotes. It is a must have for the Congressman or professional athlete on your Christmas list!

I have something I need to share with you….in my pants.... becomes: Success is often a side effect of a positive attitude!

Car Shopping Surrogates – If you are like me and dread the prospect of spending an entire Saturday listening to Smarmy Chett preface all his statements with “We don’t normally do this…” then I have a service for you. It connects automobile shoppers with recent parolees. You simply connect locate the vehicle you desire, identify a price you are willing to pay, and let “Icepick Willie” negotiate on your behalf. You would be amazed at how accommodating the sales manager becomes once your surrogate announces that he uses his spare time to help “snitches find ditches”. You have everything to gain by choosing someone with nothing to lose!

Medical Alert Locater - For years, medic alert bracelets and necklaces have given solitary senior citizens with limited mobility the peace of mind that comes with knowing that they can summon assistance with the push of a button. But what happens when you misplace your medical alert necklace and cannot find it? Crawling around and looking for it could lead to a debilitating injury and, ironically, create the very situation you purchased the medical alert system for in the first place.

For a nominal fee, you could purchase a medical alert necklace locater necklace. This necklace would audibly beep to guide you toward your misplaced medical alert necklace, the closer you got, the more rapidly it would beep. If, in the unlikely event you misplaced both your medical alert necklace and your medical alert necklace locater necklace, we also offer a medical alert necklace locater necklace locater bracelet giving you the peace of mind you deserve.    

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