Meth Rollback

Alisha Halfmoon had been wandering around her local Oklahoma Wal-Mart for six hours. At first it appeared that she was overwhelmed by the combination of a great selection and competitive prices, but security began getting suspicious when she grabbed a bottle of starter fluid and squatted at the back of the store near the restrooms. When the Tulsa police arrived on scene, they interrupted Ms. Halfmoon in the process of cooking meth.

Alisha Halfmoon

When confronted, Alisha admitted that she was attempting to save money by mixing the ingredients in the store so that she would not have to pay for them or get caught attempting to steal. To add insult to injury, a spokesman for the Tulsa police department impugned Halfmoon’s shake & bake skills by adding, “She was not very good at it.” The mixture had become so volatile that the officer disposing of it had to be treated for chemical burn despite wearing thick gloves.

While many would be quick to judge Mrs. Halfmoon, I would like to highlight the fact that she chose the moral high-ground concerning shoplifting. A lesser woman might have stuffed her handbag full of Sudafed and drain cleaner in order to concoct her illegal substance in the comfort of her own home, but Alisha bravely chose ethics over convenience. I dare say that had she been allowed to complete the process, she would have left the remaining lithium and sulfuric acid for tweakers less fortunate than herself.

I might also suggest that Wal-Mart step up their response time for “suspicious behavior.” A disheveled white woman with unnaturally dilated pupils should not be allowed to hang around flammable liquids for an extended period before someone decides to intervene. Generally speaking, the only people who spend more than six consecutive hours at a department store should be on the payroll. In their defense, I can only imagine how one could become desensitized to “unusual behavior” after staring at Wal-Mart security footage for hours at a time.

It also seemed mean spirited for the officer to kick poor Alisha while she was down by criticizing her technique. For all he knew, that could have been the only area of her life where she felt qualified. She may have started the day by telling herself, “You may not have a dependable source of income or even salvageable teeth, but by God Alisha you make the finest Ice this side of Little Rock.” I am not saying you have to lie to the woman, just break it to her with a little tact.

It should also tell us something about the mindset of Wal-Mart’s clientele that Alisha’s behavior never merited so much as a complaint. I would like to think that if I saw someone mixing octane booster, pool cleaner, and cold medicine while muttering incoherently I would be moved to at least mention it at checkout. Like when the cashier asks if you found everything OK you could say, “Just thought you might want to know that I saw some woman fashioning an I.E.D. in the feminine products aisle.”

Wal-Marts have become so synonymous with unusual behavior that I would like to perform a social experiment whereby several people are sent into a store to see how long it takes security to intervene. I have laid out the following scenarios:

1.      A bearded man removes his pants and begins riding a tricycle through housewares while quoting Color Me Badd lyrics.

2.      A couple in a tandem giraffe costume begins arranging bottles of mouthwash into gang symbols in front of the customer service desk.

3.       A woman emerges from the men’s restroom insisting that urinal took her quarter without dispensing any cologne.

4.      A toddler dressed as Fidel Castro is being closely pursued by a nun with a crossbow.

5.      An elderly man holding an enema kit and a disposable camera keeps asking for a dressing room.

Diversity & The Devil's Inn

There were two things that disturbed me this week: The first was the result of an incident that occurred in June of this year at Gulnare Free Will Baptist Church. Stella Harville (she goes by Susie) brought her fiancé to attend a Sunday morning worship service at the Kentucky church where she had grown up. The couple even performed a duet with Stella playing the piano and her betrothed providing vocal accompaniment.

Stella & Ticha

The trouble began when Stella’s father, a longtime member, was approached by the pastor who imparted these words of wisdom, “Susie and her boyfriend are not allowed to sing in this church anymore. Furthermore, Susie can take her fella back where she found him from [sic]." The incident reemerged at a November meeting where board members voted 9-6 in favor of banning interracial couples from attending the church.

The move made national news, which in turn prompted immediate condemnation from The National Association of Free Will Baptists who offered to provide educational materials to “better equip their leaders.” The organization was quick to point out that each church governs itself autonomously (hence the free will) so they could not force the church to accept interracial couples. The church recently voted to lift the ban, but seems perplexed that their diversity has not increased.

The pastor’s statement is as shameful as it is grammatically inept. Either the church is under the care of a devout racist, or they have the worst visitor’s greeting program ever. My church generally goes with a houseplant, but I suppose everyone has their own opinions concerning outreach. When your entire flock is less than forty people, self-preservation alone should enable you to look past ethnicity. This poor couple probably doubled that day’s Sunday school attendance.

Setting aside the pastor’s personal views, how did this thing make it to the meeting for a vote in the first place? I can just imagine the poor secretary reading the agenda:

• Discuss roof repair for the fellowship hall
• Vacation bible school material selection
• Vote on the “ebony & ivory” proposal

 I would also be curious to discover what “materials” the Free Will Baptist association was going to provide to convince these people that interracial couples were acceptable. I can just imagine a box of Oreos and a DVD copy of Jungle Fever arriving at the church office with a note that says, “Just give it a chance….”

The Devil’s Inn           

Residents of Carter County, TN are upset about a Christmas lights display that adorns a building along Highway 19. The display was constructed by local resident Jackie Blevins, and features the phrase “The Devil’s Inn” followed by the quaint saying “Satan Satan Hear My Plea, Satan Satan Come To Me.”  The letters are outlined by red strands of lights, and Mr. Blevins explains that the display is in response to his custom automobiles being banned from local car shows.

He contends that he is no longer allowed to enter the contests because his vehicles feature skulls, horns, and other demonic imagery. Local residents are incensed and some have even tried sneaking onto his property to take the display down. One local mother summed up the community’s fear thusly, "Knowing that a child could ask a parent is Satan really there? Is Satan in his home? What is a parent supposed to say to a child?”

I realize that illuminated demonic poetry is not going to find a large fan base in the Bible-belt, but I am not convinced that citizens should be sneaking onto this guy’s property to sabotage the display. As for the concerned mother, I can assure you that your child will witness far more disturbing scenes on a Tennessee state highway than an ill-conceived car show protest. The next time you are tailgating an F-150 with a “Tits & Beer Is Why I’m Here” bumper sticker above their set of Truck Nutz, you can field some tough questions.

Assuming his gripe is legitimate, what kind of custom car show does not allow skulls? Was the event sponsored by Quakers? He is probably leaving an important detail out, like how at the last car show he ran over a hot dog vendor while throwing kittens at paraplegics. Even so, this is still America and if he wants to decorate with satanic phrases or Nightranger lyrics, that is his prerogative. I suppose the local government could cite him for running an unlicensed motel, but I am not sure what else could be done. Personally, I can’t wait to see what he does for Easter.      

Aruba

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Animal Lovers

Recently, the prestigious Journal of Sexual Medicine released a groundbreaking study correlating the instances of penile cancer with bestiality. The authors of the study found that men who admitted to participating in SWA (sex with animals) were twice as likely to develop the specific form of cancer. The study involved around 500 men who answered questions about their carnal preferences. As a bonus, the report also included an unnecessarily-detailed hypothesis which I will not reprint here.

A female member of pro-zoophilia group has publicly responded to the report indicating that while the findings might cause animal lovers to be “more cautious” by using protection, it is unlikely to cause any of them to “change their nature.”  Coincidentally, the study was released at the same time Florida’s state legislature unanimously passed a measure banning bestiality within the state. This makes Florida the 37^th state to specifically ban the act.

Sadly, the fact that there is a regular publication that considers a bestiality/penile cancer study worthy of a feature does not surprise me. What is shocking, is that the practice of zoophilia has become worthy of its own acronym. Abbreviations like LOL, IDK, and OMG have infiltrated our modern vernacular because of their frequency of use so I would like to believe that we have not yet arrived at a point where we need a slang term for an erotic evening with a llama.

In fact, how can a study like this even be validated? Apparently, all the information was gleaned from a voluntary questionnaire distributed by an urologist. Can you imagine how they managed to slip that little nugget into the questionnaire?

Have you experienced pain or discomfort during urination?

Have you noticed swelling, redness, or irritation in your pelvic region?

Do you find yourself sexually attracted to hooved mammals?

Furthermore, if the study’s authors referred to bestiality by its new street name half the men probably did not know what they were answering yes to. When the doctors asked the patients if they “participated in S.W.A.” most of them assumed the study concerned Swedish Water Aerobics.

I must admit that I was shocked to learn that pro-zoophilia groups not only exist, but that they feel compelled to publicly comment on press releases. The story even indicated that there was more than one pro-zoophilia association. Is the result of a schism within the bestiality community? Were there some controversial policies regarding border collies?  Could there be a worse job than being the spokesperson for such an organization? Half of your conversations would simply consist of you repeating the phrase, “Yes, I am serious.”

Obviously these people need some varsity-level counseling because this has to be the easiest way ever to avoid cancer. Just imagine your doctor telling you that the best way to avoid a fatal disease was to not have sex with a cow, and for whatever reason the first question that came to your mind was, “Can I still do it if I take precautions?” It would be like a physician telling me that all I had to was avoid Nickelback concerts or hamster rodeos and I requested a second opinion.

Finally, how is it possible that only 37 states have laws on the books against this? What is the holdup on the other 13 states?  Is there a constitutional amendment I am unaware of that guarantees our right to goat lovin’? I cannot imagine an easier piece of legislation to get out of committee, mostly because no one in their right mind would publicly oppose it. Can you imagine running against the one guy who didn’t want to make bestiality illegal? The television ads would be brutal.