Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Heidi Montag: Dreamer, Visionary, Role Model


There are certain instances where stunning natural beauty and unparalleled intellect are manifested in the same woman; today I wish to forgo discussing such a phenomenon and instead talk about Heidi Montag.
Born in Crested Butte, Colorado (you can’t make this stuff up) in 1986, she moved to California and was cast/assimilated into the cerebral tour de force that is The Hills. On the set of the show she met the only man who could possibly deserve her and on November 20, 2008 she and Spencer Pratt participated in a televised wedding ceremony in Mexico. After the Associated Press ran a story that the ceremony was fake, the couple decided to renew their artificial vows and participate in another ceremony late last year (this one seems to be legally binding.)
Heidi then officially hired Spencer as her business manager which led to career obliterating decisions like spending $2 million on her debut album Superficial. Explaining the record’s title Montag responds, "I've been called superficial, and that's not who I am - that's just the surface.”  A sampling of lyrics from the title track does seem to emphasize her depth of character:
They say I’m superficial
Some call me a bi*%$
They just mad cause
I’m sexy, famous and rich
I rock the latest fashions
And I set the latest trends
Girls say I’m conceited
Cause they really wanna be me
If I see it, gotta have it
Cause’ daddy never says no
Mama get what she wants
I keep it new, new
Like I’m supposed to yeah
Unable to find a record label executive intoxicated enough to bankroll the project, Spencer released the disc on his own Pratt Productions Records. The album moved 658 copies in its first week, possibly cementing Heidi’s reputation as the only highly televised artist whose record sales were unable to exceed her SAT scores.
Unwilling to accept mediocrity as a permanent bedfellow, Mrs. Pratt decided to upgrade her factory parts in multiple plastic surgery sessions (famously undergoing 10 in one day). Over the course of several years she has admitted receiving the following upgrades, all before her 24th birthday:
·         2 Separate Breast Augmentations
·         Collagen Lip Injections
·         A nose job (with a later revision)
·         Brow Lift
·         Forehead Botox
·         Fat Injections into her cheeks
·         Chin reduction
·         Neck liposuction
·         Ears pinned back
·         Extensive liposuction on legs, thighs, and waist
·         Buttock augmentation
Her last round of improvements was so traumatic that she hired a full time psychic “intuitive healer” named Aiden Chase to help her cope with the pressure of the public’s non-existent expectations. Mr. Chase was so successful at whatever it was that he was paid to do that Heidi fired her husband / manager / surfer-wookie and hitched her wagon to the intuitive healer’s star. When questioned about her decision, Montag responded "Having an intuitive psychic leading my team gives me an edge no one else has.”  In all fairness to Mrs. Pratt, replacing Spencer with a used bilge pump would not have noticeably impacted her career one way or the other.
Alas, Aiden’s stint as her manager lasted about 10 days before she fired him as by announcing "I have decided to part ways with Mr. Chase both as a manager and as a psychic.” While this was no doubt a soul-wrenching decision, Heidi has vowed to continue on and manager herself as “a strong and independent woman.” She and Spencer still plan to remain together for the sake of their three dogs and continue to spread their belief that the September 11th attacks were an inside job by the United States government.

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