Saturday, January 15, 2011

Dead Birds & The Oprahcalypse

Dead birds are falling from the sky, fish are dying by the truckload, and Oprah Winfrey is launching her own cable channel. For those of you keeping score at home, these are surefire signs of the impending apocalypse and the logical next step is to stockpile water, canned food, and ammunition. While my meager ½ acre of property does not provide adequate space for my planed “Taylor Family Subterranean Post-Apocalyptic Survival Outpost and Furniture Discount Warehouse,” I am nonetheless optimistic that with a little cunning and adequate preparation I will be present at the final confrontation between Oprah and the remaining contingent of humanity henceforth known as “The Resistance.”

Of course, the other possibility is that there are logical explanations for this seemingly mysterious phenomenon.  For instance, the legion of deceased birds in Bebe, AR could be the work of financially-solvent rednecks that were able to acquire commercial-grade fireworks and by setting them off caused mid-air bird collisions leading to the reported fatalities. Others are adamant that the thousands of deceased “sky chickens” are the handiwork of extra-terrestrial beings who, despite their implied intellectual superiority, decided that the best way to contact humanity was to kill some birds over a state whose governance decided to name their highest peak “Mount Magazine.”

So, if we eliminate UFO’s and rednecks, what’s left? Simultaneously fatal bird flu? High altitude hail? Jesus? Even supposing that we can narrow down the possibilities, it still does not explain the birds dying in other areas or the tens or thousands of dead fish. So what could possibly account for all of this?

Although I am not in possession of solid evidence, I believe that Oprah Winfrey is somehow behind all of this and it is no coincidence that the bird incident in Arkansas occurred the very same day she launched her new cable network. Let’s review the facts:

She has never, to my knowledge, launched a business or philanthropic venture without making sure her name appears prominently in the title.

In 2004 she filmed a show in Africa titled Oprah’s Christmas Kindness, in which she highlighted the many challenges facing the continent. Oprah was so moved that she mobilized her charity “Oprah’s Angel Network” to raise money for relief. In 2007, she used this money to open the “Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy for Girls” in South Africa. All of these events were chronicled in Oprah’s official publication, O: The Oprah Magazine which has never printed an issue in its 11 years of existence that did not have Oprah on the cover.


In addition to the magazine, she launched her own XM Satellite Radio channel named Oprah Radio on which she airs her show Oprah and Friends. This year she launched her cable channel called O.W.N. (Oprah Winfrey Network) which will likely partner with her website Oprah.com in bringing child molesters to justice utilizing Oprah’s Child Predator Watch List.

I fully recognize that Oprah generously donates millions of dollars to worthwhile charities for which she deserves our admiration, but is it really necessary to beat the general populace over the head with it by preceding every good thing you do with your name? Would fewer children be helped if it was called simply “The Angel Network” or “The Leadership Academy for Girls?” Do you have so many irons in the fire that you would forget it was your magazine unless your face was on it every single month?

She has even prepared for the end by naming her California estate “The Promised Land” where rumor has it she is preparing for Armageddon (soon to be known as Oprah Winfrey Presents…Your Doom.)

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