Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Every Woman's Dream

It fills me with indescribably joy to witness the manifestation of selfless love between two people. In our modern moral climate, it is far too easy to become cynical and jaded concerning the fading art of monogamy. We want to believe that true love is possible, but day after day we are inundated with stories of easily broken relationships and celebrity marriages unable to outlast the effectiveness of a seasonal flu shot.

However, it is only in such darkness that we can recognize the heartwarming illumination of a commitment based on trust, understanding, and emotional depth. I am here to tell you that the source of that light is none other than Mr. Hugh Hefner and his betrothed Crystal Harris; a duo whose undeniable compatibility stands as a beacon to us all.
Hefner & Harris
As with any couple, there are nefarious forces at work that would love to see their commitment fail. Armed with unfair criticism, they seek to destroy the purity of Mr. Hefner’s commitment to Miss Harris by highlighting minute discrepancies in their interests and history. I would like to address some of those now:

1. Their age difference – While it is true that 60 years separates them (he is 84 and she is 24) it is certainly not an insurmountable obstacle. What 24 year-old hasn’t dreamt of snuggling up in her lover’s arms and whispering, “Tell me more about your first stroke” or “Where were you when you first heard about color television?” 

Besides, they aren’t the first high profile couple to face such chronological challenges. Whose heart wasn’t warmed watching the home movies of a 26 year-old Anna Nichole Smith desperately coaching her 89 year-old husband to form coherent (legally admissible) sentences? Many dismissed the integrity of their relationship simply because they met at a strip club; she never actually lived with him; and her legal battle for his money outlasted their marriage by a decade.

2. No common interests – This is also a misnomer. Careful research of the couple’s past reveals a plethora of common interests. For instance, they both took collegiate-level psychology courses (some naysayers would again bring up the age difference, but I doubt the field of psychology has changed significantly since the Second World War) and they both have Twitter accounts.

3. She is using the relationship to further her career – While some pessimists would point to her upcoming dance album, high-end cosmetic line and recently launched website as evidence of her shameless self-promotion; there is no reason to believe that a glamour-model’s dance CD, co-written by Dr. Phil’s son and released on a low-profile indie label wouldn’t move a significant number of units based on artistic vision alone. Besides, you would be hard pressed to identify a single blonde Playboy model that has successfully used romantic involvement with Hugh Hefner as a springboard for her career aside from Shannon Tweed, Izabella St. James, Tina Marie Jordan, Holly Madison, and Kendra Wilkinson.

4. He holds a sexist, unhealthy view of women and is incapable of monogamy – To the later charge; I need merely remind everyone that Mr. Hefner’s passion for monogamy is so absolute that he recently maintained 7 simultaneously-occurring exclusive relationships for an extended period of time. To the former charge, I present the following photo of Hugh with his then-girlfriend Izabella St. James. A woman he cared so deeply for, he was compelled to tether himself to her (both literally and emotionally.)

5. It happened too fast – True love has no timetable. And besides, when you are about to turn 85 cold-feet is a luxury you cannot afford (whether metaphorically or through a dangerous loss of circulation to your lower extremities.) When closing in on becoming a centenarian, the only thing that doesn’t seem to transpire quickly is urination.

I hope that I have successfully appeased the legions of cynics who scoff at the legitimacy of such an unusual union. I am sure the Internet will continue to be inundated by callous remarks like “What does she see in him?” or “I though he passed away the year they cancelled M.A.S.H.” but the truth of the matter is that there is nothing more charming than a perpetually-bathrobed senior citizen who insists on sporting a sea captain’s hat despite the perpetual absence of an actual boat. We all want to be ready when our “ship comes in,” but only Hugh Hefner possesses the foresight to dress for the occasion.

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