Saturday, January 1, 2011

Guns & Roses

Arthur "Firearm Safety" Sedille
Just before Christmas 2010, the emergency operations center in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma got an unusual call from one of its citizens. Twenty-three year old Arthur Sedille called 911 to report that his wife had been shot in the head and needed medical attention. When authorities arrived they found Rebecca Sedille, 50, deceased in the couple’s bedroom.

As the night progressed, Arthur admitted that he and his wife often engaged in “fantasy love play” involving firearms. On the night in question, Arthur was lovingly holding his pistol to the side of his wife’s head when it discharged. He claims to have been unaware that the weapon was loaded and insists that the incident was a tragic accident. Pending further investigation, he has been arrested on suspicion of first degree murder but as of this writing he hasn’t been formally charged with a crime.

At the risk of sounding prudish, exactly how does a person discover that they enjoy having a handgun pressed to the side of the melon while engaging in carnal activities? Did Arthur just shoehorn that little nugget into dinner conversation one night?

“You know honey, I couldn’t find the newspaper again this morning. Maybe we should call again.”
“I will take care of that tomorrow…..By the way, what are your feelings concerning homicidal fantasy role-play?”
Perhaps it was just how I was raised, but the gentlemanly thing would involve starting out slowly with a knife or a vial of weaponized anthrax before moving on to the big leagues. I realize that it can be difficult to keep the romance alive (especially when one half of the couple had the ability to rent a car before the other was even born) but I cannot help but wonder if they had actually exhausted their other options before purchasing the N.R.A. Valentines Day kit.  

If, as Arthur claims, Mrs. Sedille enjoyed having a Desert Eagle .50 join them in the bedroom, common courtesy would dictate that you check the chamber before playing the dirty version of “Who wants to see grandma again?” Forgetting the scented massage oil is easily remedied, forgetting to check the safety and un-chamber the hollow points is a slightly more complicated “oops.”

Of course, the other possibility is that Arthur has created a near-perfect cover story for a premeditated act of murder. After all, how is a prosecutor to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that Mrs. Sedille didn’t enjoy sexual gun-play? There is no proof one way or the other and I doubt that she listed it under Hobbies and Interests on her Facebook profile. This means that he could have shot his wife, fabricated a story about violent fetishes, and then used her modesty to explain why such a story cannot be verified.    

I would be interested to know whether or not the late Mrs. Sedille happened to be covered by an unusually large life insurance policy or was the recipient of a robust trust fund. I realize such a view is cynical, but I will not be shocked when the Lifetime movie premiers next fall. I have even taken the liberty of penning a few prospective film titles for them to use:
  • Semi-Automatic Lover (The Rebecca Sedille Story)
  • Shotgun Wedding (The Rebecca Sedille Story)
  • Weapons of Mass Seduction (The Rebecca Sedille Story)
  • Colts & Deadbolts: The Secret World of The Sedilles
  • What’s The Worst That Could Happen? (The Rebecca Sedille Story)
I fear that if such a fetish were to become widespread, an onslaught of bad country songs would not be far behind:
  • My Smith & Wesson’s Got Her Undressin’
  • She’s Got a Round In The Chamber And A Bun In The Oven
  • Budweiser, Buck-shot, and Becky-Lynn (The Manslaughter Song)
  • Hair-trigger Hoedown
  • You, Me, & and a Remington Makes Three
  • 5 Hours, 6-Shooters, and 7 Years Upstate

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