Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Random Thoughts 7



  • We all know that it is common courtesy to prop a lost hubcap against the nearest tree or telephone pole so that the owner can retrieve it, but there should be a statute of limitations on this. A guy in my neighborhood has had a hubcap propped against a tree next to the road for going on two years now. I think that he is actually mowing around it. You have given it a solid effort, no one will judge you if throw it away.

  • My wife and I received a complimentary subscription to a fitness magazine in exchange for unused “bonus miles” with an airline. I noticed a pattern:

Paradoxically, each issue would feature a cover-story which, if accurate, would negate further publication of the magazine itself. Examples include “Only Workout You Will Ever Need” or “Ultimate Fitness Guide.”

There was always a feature on coitus with a superfluous title like “Have Sexier Sex” or “Your Sexiest Sex Now.” By the title, I always assumed it would simply instruct you to purchase a wind machine, install perpetually-flowing tapestries on the corners of your four-post bed, and hire more attractive stand-ins.


  • There is a market for computer mice that feature built-in “palm cooling features” for when your online gaming experience becomes too intense and you are concerned that hand perspiration will negatively affect your performance. I hope a complimentary intervention is included with every purchase.

  • Is there a more ironic title for an online video than, “The Video That The Internet Does Not Want You To See!”

  • I had not realized how embarrassing it had become to admit you still own a traditional CRT television. I tried to sell one on craigslist for the cost of dinner at Panera and I think I would have gotten more responses for a defective slinky. Even Goodwill has refused to take them anymore and I am pretty sure they will accept a solitary tennis shoe.

  • I think to celebrate Throwback Thursday, Facebook itself should revert back to 2003 and visitors would simply get a “Domain Name for Sale” page.

  • I find it entertaining to utilize obscure references to clarify even more obscure references. For instance, I could say “Injected was the Geocities of the late 90’s Atlanta Hard Rock Scene” or “John C. Reilly is the iOS 7.2 of supporting cast members in major studio releases.”

  • I have mixed feelings about campaigns that utilize the “every 2 minutes” strategy. On the one hand, it creates a sense of immediacy and, at its best, goads the target audience into action. On the other hand, when I am eating a sandwich on my lunch break and I catch a TV spot that says “While you were watching this commercial, two paraplegic orphans were attacked by kimono dragons” it just seems like emotional entrapment. There was literally nothing I could do but now I feel guilty.

  • Was anyone else surprised to learn that MTV is still hosting an annual Movie Awards Show?

  • I got an e-mail today reminding me that it was “National Moment of Laughter Day.” This has gone too far. It is high time that Congress step-up and create a bi-partisan oversight committee for arbitrary holidays and asinine awareness weeks. Every time I get online people are celebrating “Latino Uncle Awareness Week” or “Retired Parking Attendant Month” and it has to stop. If you want to post an archived prom photo, just post it. There is no requirement that it be prefaced by explaining that next Thursday is “Brief High School Romances That Collapsed Under The Pressure of Differing Career Goals” Day.

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