The Euthanasia Coaster

Recently a friend of mine asked me if I had ever heard of The Euthanasia Coaster. Apparently it is a roller coaster designed to end the life of its passengers through cerebral oxygen deprivation brought on by excessive G-force. Passengers are subjected to an initial drop of 1,600 ft (reaching a speed of 220 Mph) before being taken through 10 sequential inversions designed to bring about unconsciousness and death. It is designed for 24 passengers and the ride duration would be about 3 ½ minutes.

The coaster is only conceptual in nature and was designed and prototyped by Lithuanian engineer Julijonas Urbonas. Urbonas stated that he wished to create something that would take lives “with elegance and euphoria.” His scale model was displayed at the HUMAN+ display at the Science Gallery in Dublin. As one might expect, the idea has drawn the ire of many anti-euthanasia groups who feel that it might romanticize the idea of suicide.

Even assuming a shift in cultural norms would allow such a device to become a reality, I can foresee some ironic red-tape. For instance, to operate they would have to have the apparatus safety inspected and certified for public use. Can you imagine the opening of the roller coaster being delayed because they failed the safety inspection? How would you like to be the guy who has to inform the park owner that he cannot, in good conscious, allow them to operate an intentionally-fatal roller coaster with the structural integrity of the rivets in turn three being in question? Would the ride operators still be required to check everyone’s safety harness to prevent injury?

One person, commenting on the concept, expressed concern that he would have to share his final ride with 23 strangers (including one in the seat beside him). I suppose that would be a legitimate concern, especially if the person beside you thought they were getting on a regular rollercoaster and realized their mistake about halfway up the first drop. No one wants to spend their final moments listening to someone having panic attack after they realize that the last rites administered by the park employee was not just a clever gimmick.

With my luck, I would get stuck next to some inconsiderate jack-wagon who keeps taking loud personal phone calls on the way up. I imagine it would be difficult to spend your last moments contemplating the release of your eternal soul while the guy beside you is beseeching his ex for closure by reminding her that he is “about to die and stuff for real.”

Despite the macabre nature of such a device, it does have several benefits that traditional roller coasters do not. You can rest assured that there will not be a long line at the souvenir photo booth and your PR department would have to worry about bad press if someone dies on one of your rides. There would be a loss of revenue from the “I survived The Euthanasia Coaster” T-shirts.

Although accurate, I do feel like the name could use a little sprucing up. It just seems too clinical and detached (much like the ride attendants would have to be). Perhaps something more subtle like “The Sunset Experience” or “The Flat-liner Ferry.” A corporate sponsorship from National Funeral Directors Association or any number of Swedish death-metal bands could offset maintenance costs. They could even have a cheeky billboard on the final loop that says, “If you can read this, you should probably ask for a refund!”

If such an idea took off, it could become an entire theme park. A Six Flags over Eternity if you will. For instance, the Euthanasia Coaster could be bundled with the Crematorium Log Plume for a comprehensive internment experience. Some might simply prefer to take their chances with the overpriced (and questionably refrigerated) potato salad from the Last Meal Cafe. There would of course be a gift shop for keepsakes and make your own urn station for the kids. There would be no need to license expensive characters like Universal or Disney, just a few characters from Greek mythology for photo ops. It may not be the happiest place on Earth, but I doubt you will hear many complaints.

The Decline of Civil Discourse

I enjoy a good spirited debate as much as the next person, but I fear the age of social media and 24-hour news cycles had driven them into extinction. We all have these people on our Facebook newsfeeds and Twitter pages who derive thinly-veiled glee from unleashing a “thread bomb” and watching their acquaintances tear each other to shreds (and if they do not immediately come to mind, you are that person and you make us sad). Broad opinions lead to generalized insults which invariably give way to personal attacks. I cannot remember a single instance of this where these culminated in a “While I can now understand your interpretation of the empirical data, I must respectfully disagree with your conclusions.” And they weren’t meant to.

Some of these individuals simply see a status update as a starter pistol for online polarization. Their goal is to toss a metaphorical turd into everyone’s day and see who just can’t stop themselves from taking the bait. I am guilty of it. There have been times where, against my better judgement, I read one too many “I heard that the Muslim Brotherhood passed a law in Mississippi that made it illegal to purchase a gun if you own a King James Bible” and I lose it. I start linking articles and citing legal precedent making such a statute impossible. I highlight the implausibility of the Muslim Brotherhood wielding any legislative power in rural Mississippi and then question the logistics of enforcing such a ridiculous law all before realizing I have been sucked into the ravenous vortex of online imbecility.  

It takes time and concerted effort to understand someone else’s point of view, neither of which are catalyzed by memes or status updates. Complex political and legal issues are reduced to derogatory labels like “godless liberal” or “inbred redneck.” We post these things not to explore the subtle nuances of our human condition, but because we wish to entertain ourselves by provoking the passions of others.

Think of what could be accomplished if we took time to seek the root of someone’s passion for Civil War reenactments and antique firearms instead of dismissing them as ignorant racists? How would it change our discourse if we looked into the eyes of someone who repeatedly sacrifices their dignity on the altar of public assistance to feed their children instead of mentally categorizing them as entitlement leeches?

Of course, they have the freedom to post what they want just as you and I have the freedom to ignore or engage them. So, in the spirit of reconciliation and understanding, I offer the following “conversation starters” for my online friends who wish to see a comment thread end with someone conjugating the F-word:

• Who thinks we should divert money from the Marines to fund late term abortions for illegal immigrants?

• Do any of you find yourselves outraged when I post this video of graphic police violence under a misleading context?

• Does this photo of a lesbian couple’s assisted suicide business ruffle anyone’s feathers?

• Where was Al Sharpton when five black teenagers assaulted a disabled albino in the Chick-Fil-A parking lot?

• Who agrees that the government should fine Korean War Veterans for flying American flags at a prayer breakfast?

• Does anyone have a problem with mandatory tracking implants for the children of NRA members?

• Which ethnic group produces the most effective criminals?

• Pros & Cons of a pre-school sexual education class taught by Russell Brand. And go!

• Would anyone like to comment on this photo montage of animal cruelty set to Ted Nugent singles?

• Click like if you support political indoctrination through children’s television programming

Fun With Childcare (Part 2)

Having miraculously managed to get both children into the same reputable day-care without a hasty religious conversion, we set about getting our paperwork in order and attending the parental orientation. This was a big deal because you want to make a good impression on the director while scoping out the parents of the other kids. I wore my good socks.

The orientation consisted of the director going over the perpetually-expanding handbook and soliciting feedback from the parents in attendance. There were the expected questions about lunch routines and disciplinary procedures, but then a couple behind us began asking questions about liquid intake. They revealed that their child did not drink “city tap” and that they would need to provide their own pre-filtering water. The mother then asked what brand of juice they provided for the children. I am fairly certain that I heard an audible groan of displeasure when the director cheerfully answered “whatever’s cheapest.” They also indicated that their child would need “essential oils” applied in the event of injury. They bookended these questions by assuring us all that they were not “high maintenance or anything.”

It was a relief to have this couple in our group since they would serve as the unofficial threshold for unreasonable requests. Two months in, I could probably demand my children be addressed as “your majesty” and only nap facing magnetic north and not get any pushback.   

We were then handed the paperwork to complete and bring back prior to the start of the year. The first few pages were standard fare. Parent info, emergency contact, child’s doctor, etc. Then the questions started getting interesting and my wife forbade me from completing the forms. So below are the actual questions and the answers that I wished to submit:

Does their child get their own way with other children? If not, how does the child react?

Arson

Is the entire family together for any time during the day?

We have an airing of grievances each evening at 7:42 PM

If the child refuses to eat, how is this handled and by whom?

Brutally, and by Liam Neeson

Habits associated with going to bed / sleep?

Reduced heart-rate / slowed breathing / extended periods of unconsciousness

What word does your child use for a bowel movement?

Excremental egress

At what age did the child creep?

This is offensive.

What are some ways the child plays at home?

He enjoys high-stakes poker and wire fraud

Were there any problems with pregnancy or your child’s birth?

Unrelenting physical pain followed by a crippling financial burden

Does your child scratch his/her genital area?

Exclusively

What is your child afraid of?

Socialism

Does the child speak well?

Of whom?

Does your child wet the bed and if so, how is this handled?

Yes, I make him watch through the window while I run over one of his stuffed animals with the push mower.